SD 01/29/05 - "Proto-Whatsit Syndrome?" aka "The Wrath of Ironbottom #7" PADD Message - 129.426.892.33141452320mail/FNN Main Office/New York/Terra

Your daily news message has been received. As your main terminal is innoperative, we have sent you a condensed version the nearest space radio will send to your PADD. Please press play ...

"Welcome to the Federation News Network News Minute. By your best news network approved for viewing. Heck, it's the ONLY news network approved for viewing."

"Romulian-Gorn relations took a dive following a border skirmish. Details remain sketchy, but both sides claim they had only smaller combat ships in the area and bested opposing forces more numerous and made up of light cruisers. Federation experts believe the battle a draw."

"The fate of several culinary experts requested by the Gorn Alliance remains in question. The individuals' last reported message was sent the day of their arrival, describing their services were needed at the Gorn TV cooking show 'To Serve Man.' There has been no comment from the Gorn, other than the individuals 'were of good taste.' "

"On Risa, an abandoned Kzin warp shuttle was discovered. The only clue to how it got there were several tattered Ferengi uniforms, along with two sets of prostetic ears used by Ferrengi females passing as males. Strangely, around the time of it's discovery, three nude beaches in the area were closed due to attacks by 'tentacle monsters' on several of the women. The women were reported traumatized, though physicaly unharmed aside from being covered in slime. The more recent attacks involve fewer, smaller monsters. Requests for an interview concerning the matter went unanswered by the Kzin and Ferrengi consulates."

"Also from Risa, following an outbreak of 'Protomorphis Syndrome,' a few dozen square miles were sprayed with antidote mist. Following the spraying, several Ferrengi, including two females, showed up at a ranger station, nude and covered in Risian poison ivy welts, saying they were robbed, stripped, and dumped in the woods. Investiations into finding the criminals have so far been fruitless."

"Details have been trickling in concerning an attempted coup in the Kzin Hedgemony last year. The coup was supposedly called off after it's ringleader mysteriously disappeared along with a number of ships and personel. Since then, a number of Kzin have entered the Federation under tourist visas and merchant licenses and faled to return home. No Kzin would answer to requests for an interview, nor was there a reply from the Kzin consulate."

END MESSAGE

*NARRATIVE* The crew begins coming down with Barclay's Protomorphosis Syndrome. Some clearly get it more than others as Lynx, her two older kids, and Tarra change into something vaugely saber-toothed and go on a rampage, nearly killing one redshirt (Lynx?) and injuring others before kept in check by a redshirt turned huge muscular, and green (and wearing purple boxers) and a tentacle beast that gives Lera the groping of her life. Fortunetly, Cosmo comes up with a cure, which gradualy brings the melee to an end. But the Captain and his team are still to be accounted for.

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