SD 10/07/06 - "Captain Two-Patches" - PADD Message - 129.426.892.33142118986mail/FNN Main Office/New York/Terra
Your daily news message has been received. As your main terminal is innoperative, we have sent you a condensed version the nearest space radio will send to your PADD. Please press play ...
"Welcome to the Federation News Network News Minute. By your best news network approved for viewing. Heck, it's the ONLY news network approved for viewing."
"Relations between the Gorn and Romulans remain tense. Following a lull of no border incidents, rouge asteroids in a Romulan space lane near the border were traced to a wayward Gorn ship striking an asteroid. And so much like the space lane, Gorn-Romulan relations remain a rocky road."
"Following decades of increasing numbers of tourists, Risans were as shocked as anyone else to learn that travel to the planet experienced it's first major decline since overtaking Rigel as the number one vacation spot. It is strongly suspected that the attacks of so-described 'tentacle monsters' earlier this year, and occasional sightings thereof since, continue to scare people off. Some merchants are asking that those barred from the planet for non-violent offenses be given a second chance. As of yet, no comment from Risian officials."
"Federation officials accused the Kzinti Hedgmony of violation the treaty between the two states when Starfleet vessels spotted what appeared to be drones on it's side of the border. Kzinti officials deny the acusation. A few scientists have suggested a link between these sightings and the research vessel Zenth-Trad that disappeared in the area years ago. So far, no comment from Federation officials."
"Starfleet's latest military wargames will have it's redshirts saying 'Arrrr.' With relations between the Federation and it's major neighbors remaining relatively peaceful, some of it's ships will be practicing on dealing with pirate vessels. The statement released by Starfleet gave the size of the area of the exercises as being only about a tenth of a parsec cubed as opposed to one parsec cubed. So traffic in nearby space lanes will be unhindered."
"Piracy itself has become an increasing problem in some sectors following the latest series of non-government business legistlation passed in which the pilots of independent 'Eighteen Wheeler' freighters would have their profits 'beyond amounts needed to maintain a fair standard of living' taxed at 98.2%. 'I don't understand what they're complaining about,' one Federation regulatory official explained, 'They're able to keep nearly two percent of what they swindled and cheated out of hardworking Federation beaurucrats.' Independent traders have also been charged fees for services in Starbases that those working for the Federation get for free."
"Complicating the matter, Ferrengi officials are accusing the Federation of reclassifying smugglers as pirates. Federation officials have offered no comment on the matter, other than one stating, 'smugglers are little more than pirates without guns, they simply go about stealing the public wages more subtly.' "
PADD Message: Ensign K'Lulyss, Acting Communications
Sir, I tried to contact you, but your comm unit seems to be faulty. We just got a message from Admiral S'Cowl, or rather one of his subordinates that he insists on using to call us instead of him. It seems the playing field for the wargames was made far too large. Instead of 1 parsec cubed, they made it 10 parsecs cubed, or a thousand cubic parsecs. It intersects some major space lanes, and under the rules, civilian ships that go into areas where wargames are being held can be considered 'fair game' as I believe the expression is. The report made to the public conversely showed the area far too small, a thousanth of a cubic parsec.
The Admiral's waiting for our confirmation that you recived this message, his subordinate mentioned something about procedure, before the games can officially brought back to the area intended. Some of the other Bridge officers keep saying, "Let's pretend we didn't," but why would we want to that?
PS - Sir, if I may ask, why are the Terrans all dressing up in these ridiculous outfits and saying, "Arrrr?"
NARRATIVE: Thanks to a bout of amnesia brought on by a blow to the head, Payne thinks he really is a pirate, calling himself "Captain Two-Patches," wearing eye patches that act like sunglasses over both his eyes. A flirtatious remark to Half, who wears a patch over her nose, ends up getting a slap. But before he disciplines her, her growling makes him think he's hungry, and he moves on, eventually running into Lynx, Tarra and her Security crew, and Falken, whom have gone into "pirate mode" themselves. After a few bouts of "Arrrr"s, they drink to their upcoming plundering of ships.
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