Name: Melvin Organa Orlan
Age: 26 (or 404; see below)
Height: 5' 10"
Weight: 125 lbs
Previous posting: Assistant Manager, "Kinkos"
Birthplace: Des Moines, Iowa, Earth* (see below)
Qualifications: Research Pending (see below)
Background: Melvin Orlan was born in an alternate universe's Des Moines, Iowa to accountant Patricia Ballins and retail salesman Winston Orlan, who at his son's birth volunteered for service in Vietnam, converted to Islam, and changed his name to Abdul Mohammed Kareem Jabar Aafiya Darim Ghalib. Apparently he had been holding out for a daughter.
Like many of the other socially inept, white middle-class teens of his day, Melvin became infatuated with role-playing games, animated movies, and 'Star Trek,' a television program curiously candid in its depictions of this universe's modern day events. This did not exactly inspire his mother's maternal instincts, and after her obligatory eighteen years of mothering an exasperated Ms. Ballins fled her son to become a Hare Krishna in Tijuana, Mexico, leaving him to balance his pursuit of academic excellence at many of Iowa's finest community colleges with his pursuit of fictional excellence as a thirty-first level, Vorpal sword +2-wielding dwarf cleric in the Greater Des Moines Adventure's Guild. At the time of his recruitment into the Freedom's crew, Orlan was an irrationally exuberant assistant manager at Kinko's, the sort of person his Dungeon Master described as "just the guy you want behind you if you have to take on, say, a camp of enraged trolls or lesser hellspawn" throughout Melvin's collection of numerous rejected college applications.
Ensign Orlan joined the crew of the USS Freedom in his universe's year 2000 (this universe's 2378) after meeting their away team at Neko-Con, an Anime Catgirl Enthusiast's (ACE's) convention that he attended during his summer 2000 search for a director-autographed VHS copy of 'Neon Evangelion: Bubblegum Crisis.' Whether the team's decision to take him in was based on their collective sympathy, or simply their deep collective yearning for his 1961 Chevrolet Corvair Van Greenbriar 9-seater and some gas money is unknown (or perhaps mistaking his "in character" Trek talk as that of a real officer who was stranded), but either way Orlan was enlisted on the spot. At the end of the away team's mission they found the prospect of abandoning him to be slightly inconvenient (not to mention the authoraties would have likely either confined him for life or mindwiped him after questioning), and so opted instead to take him back to the Freedom and give him a temporary commission as the ship's assistant helm, the position in which they determined he was least likely to cause a major catastrophe and in which he might even prove minimally useful.
The Freedom's theater commander and oversight authority, Admiral Ironbottom, upon hearing of him immediately ordered Orlan dismissed on the basis of his utter lack of any qualifications whatsoever. Unfortunately for the Admiral, the Melvin Orlan of this universe grew up in a Twentieth Century without "Star Trek." Thus deprived, Orlan was forced to become a functioning member of society - specifically, a star quarterback and later Professor Emeritus at Stanford, one who won a Nobel prize in physics for accidentally achieving grand unification of the physical forces while trying to teach dolphins to solve differential equations. Though the alternate universe Orlan has displayed no such physical, mental, or really any other type of prowess, he is an exact genetic match for his ancient double. Because of this, he has inherited through a tracking error the man's estate, old American identification numbers, and qualifications, and because both Starfleet Academy and Stanford are members in good standing of the Ivy League and have sworn reciprocity of credit, Orlan was one physical education course from a formal Starfleet commission. He has yet to decide which class aboard the Freedom is safest.
Orlan's contribution to the Freedom's crew lies primarily in his unnervingly wide breadth of knowledge about the universe. He is fluent not only in Klingon and Vulcan but High Elvish and no small number of other languages constructed in his copious amounts of spare time. He has not only memorized his universe's 'Star Trek Encyclopedia' but has repeated submitted corrections to its publisher, and is accordingly well-versed in the species, cultures, and technology of the modern day. Though apparently his knowledge extends to the people and events of the far future, he has proven adamant in his refusal to share any of it, mumbling something about the danger of interfering with timelines.
Psychologist's Notes: Subject ought to be put on lecture circuit throughout the university worlds. He is as close to a case study as has ever been found. The man is a consummate escapist, one who has for years drowned the mediocrity of his own life in the Twentieth Century's version of science fiction, at best a cheap and lurid form of entertainment. Unlike other escapists, however, his adolescent dreams have been fulfilled: he really is an ensign on a Federation starship, gallivanting through the galaxy. Were he aboard any other ship I would recommend he be placed under extremely close observation and allotted double sessions with the ship's counselor for the purposes of research and his integration into Twenty-fourth Century society. Given that he is shipping with the USS Freedom, however, I must weigh his psychological needs with those of his crewmates, and in such context I am sad to say that he is a relatively sane and well-adjusted crewman. He can probably be left to his duties without much hesitation, as he has neither the will nor the ability to cause any major trouble.
A full psychological analysis is still pending, but subject has been administered Starfleet's Standard Test of psycho-emotional Disorder (STD) - Results of Test.
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